i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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