Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
