i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
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So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
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He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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