God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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