I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
