I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
