we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
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I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
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you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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