He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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