Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
