I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Randomize
