i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
