I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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