you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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