So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
