You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
