someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
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