Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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