Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
