Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You are a genius and a whore.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
