well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
