either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
