never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
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