I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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