Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
