im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
