the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
