What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
