My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
