he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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