I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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