wanna go halves on a baby?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
