I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
