I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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