When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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