Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
