I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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