I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
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