he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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