i need an iv and a liver transplant
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
