i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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