I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I skipped work to stalk him.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
