even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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