we have pet lesbian snakes
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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