If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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