I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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