yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Randomize
