life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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