So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
