So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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