i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
