Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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