i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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