Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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