separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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