does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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