Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I looked at my own cervix.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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