Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
