I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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