when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
